Still Here. Still Pregnant.
It’s been quite a while since I’ve sat down in front of this screen and written something down for the blog. I can’t really explain why. Maybe I’ve had writer’s block. Or maybe I felt that I wasn’t inspired. Perhaps it was the idea that my readers aren’t interested in my pregnancy or in the lentil soup I made for dinner. It could have been the fact that I started a business and a part-time job, both of which have been all consuming. I moved. Tried to decorate an apartment. Care for a puppy. Have a life. Be a healthy pregnant woman.
A lot has been going on, and yet, none of these feel like valid reasons for not finding the time. So I’ll just say, something took over that made writing feel secondary to everything else. I wanted to share everything with you, stories about the first months of starting a food business, and second-trimester updates, and kauai itineraries, and I ended up sharing none of it. Today, even though I still feel mostly uncertain about writing, I’ll give it another go. I sat down. I opened the site. I’m here, making an effort. Will this jumpstart the creative juices? They say starting is the hardest part, so…
I’m 33 weeks pregnant, and the time is moving fast. I feel unprepared in so many ways to welcome a baby into the world. I have so many anxieties about what it will actually be like to carry the responsibility of another human being. At the same time, I feel confident that Brandon and I are going to be incredible parents and will love the (@70(@#) out of this baby. I know that the maternal instinct will take over, and I’ll figure it out.
I’ve read all sorts of books on motherhood, everything from the classic what to expect, to expecting better, to like a mother, and and now we have everything. They’ve shown me various perspectives and ideas about how to be pregnant. Some women talk to their unborn baby and are very cautious about their daily routine while expecting. Others, like me, continue business as usual and marvel in the splendor of growing a human only occasionally. Even still, some women find that pregnancy is a chore and very much look forward to the arrival of baby. ASAP. All of these narratives resonated with me to some degree, and it has been interesting to try and navigate this new land for the first time. I feel like it still hasn’t really hit me. I’m going to be a mom. I’m going to be a mom. I’m going to be a mom. Hmm. It’s like, I get it, but do I?
Maybe the reason for my silence these last four months is because I haven’t known the right thing to say for fear that everything in my brain is mushy. Based on what I’ve written above, it seems like that is indeed the case. When I write, I like to be definitive in what I’m recommending or feeling or sharing, and today, I’m not. I think that’s okay though. It feels nice to be here on this blog and be honest. To say : hey' friends! I’m trying to juggle a whole lot and much of it makes little sense to me right now, but I’ll get there. I don’t really know what the future holds as it all seems up in the air. What will work be like after having a baby? What will my relationship be like when it’s no longer just the two of us? What will my apartment feel like? There is just SO. MUCH. UNKNOWN.
I’ve got 7 (ish) weeks to go and I think I’ll spend them trying not to go crazy. Everyone keeps saying I should enjoy “these last moments of free time” or “go to the spa” or “get as much sleep as you can” and while I appreciate the advice, it’s also kind of depressing. I want to believe, and I have to believe that life is not going to end when I have a baby. I am choosing to trust that I will find a way to still be myself. To run a business. To find time for pasta with my husband, or a walk in the park with my puppy. To go shopping with my mother and to watch an indie movie with my brother. To sit on the couch with my best friend and eat noodles and gab for 5 hours until we’re both in an MSG coma. I think the narrative I’m choosing to go with for myself is that motherhood is going to be exactly what I make of it. That I will still be me, enjoy life, go after the things I want, eat too many carbs, explore the world, and so on and so forth, even avec bébé.
thanks for reading guys. see ya sooner rather than later.